Strength.

She has shown me the true power of Love.

There are many things, gentle reader, that I have never tasted in my life. Very seldom have I tasted Love. To my recollection, there are only two other times, and one was unrequited.

The other was the one who kept my blade. Ours was a love of over two years, and I will not go into detail here.

This was the woman who broke my heart into a thousand tiny shards.

My Pale Princess visited, and it was Good. I was so very nervous that evening. Waiting for her to arrive was terrifying. I have documented my past with the one from the town of iron, and so I will not retell it here.

She arrived as I was surrounded by friends. My focus was on a video game, so scared was I that I needed to focus my energy on it. When she arrived, and I went out to meet her, our eyes met.

I saw none of the disgust in those beautiful eyes. None of the self-hatred. All I saw was love. Adoration. A shared experience that would not be sullied, would not falter, would not even flinch in the presence of our true selves.

Four nights. In four nights, everything changed for me. Do not doubt, gentle reader, that I had loved this woman before we met. Unconditionally. However, my past experiences had left me jaded and weak, so very nervous that the meeting would be sour. It was not.

Let me label Saturday, March 02, 2013 as the best night of my life, no hesitations. Though I burst to share what happened with the entire world, it would not do. It is a very private thing. Let me just state that something was said to me that I have never heard before from anyone. That is all that you may have.

Love. It has empowered me. Even though she has returned to her home, she has strengthened my resolve in life. Everything is brighter, despite the sadness of our parting. I cannot even put into words how I feel; it is sufficient to state that I will not soon let someone destroy me again, no matter how hard The Former Company may try.

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Paralysis.

As I sit here, preparing to leave work and meet the woman of my dreams, I find myself unable to move. I am struck speechless, powerless, as a creeping fear overcomes me. I have met many people from the internet before. I have only ever met women a handful of times, and only once has that first meeting been such a destructive endeavor.

She lived in the town of iron, and was repulsed by me. We had shared words over a common interest, and she found them pleasing. I informed her of my appearance, and she informed me of hers. I was not put off.

At the time, neither was she.

The first two hours that I was in her presence, she could not touch me. She was repulsed, and it destroyed me. I should have left, but I did not, and the relationship was not a good one.

I now go to meet another. She is the one making the trip, but I am afraid just the same. I hope that she is not disappointed.

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Love.

I am of the opinion that I have only been in real Love, as opposed to love, a handful of times in my life. Whether or not this is a good thing, I cannot say. It is, in fact, a very hard thing to count how many times I have been in Love.

My first was, of course, my First. First in a lot of things, actually, but mainly in Love and Lust. She was nothing special, admittedly. I violated the Bro Code before I even knew what it was, courting my best friend’s ex not too long after their breakup.

My second was, actually, someone I was never in a relationship with. I realized that I Loved her when we interacted more, and I saw how her life was going to pan out. I do not doubt myself that I saw what I believe that I saw, and so far I have been correct. However, had I the chance, I would have jumped on starting a family with her. This has not turned out to be, and that is probably for the best. We are close even now, time and space having no hold on our bond.

Third, and most recent, was someone I met online. We were together nearly three years, and I was ready to marry and have children with this woman. I do not recall what caused her to break up with me on my lunch break in the parking lot of my work, but I keenly remember her proclimation six months later that she was engaged. It was a perceived attempt to get back together with her that drove me into the arms of my most recent relationship, though that has since ended.

Three times. Roughly every eleven years of my life, I have Loved. I think this may become four very soon. Distance in a relationship whose start is fresh is, in my mind, something of a hindrance. That will soon change, albeit briefly, and I am eagerly anticipating it.

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Fear.

Thanks to my time at a previous employer, I have developed a healthy and robust fear of HR. Dealing with a corporate Human Resources department, in any capacity, sends a chill down my spine like a White Dragon breathing its icy breath, and I have no saving throw.

It could be completely innocent, such as filling out paperwork for a job, or even doing my actual job and being required to interface with HR. No matter what the situation, I always find myself very guarded and shaking with the aforementioned cold.

That previous employer broke me with regards to HR. I sat in a room while the VP of HR told me that he loved to break people. This was in my interview. Why I still went to this company is beyond me, for this man would indeed break me not even one year later, when lies from a coworker sent me packing.

That day is when my life, as I know it, ended. Everything has been downhill from that point, save one. I try to climb into the light but get kicked back into the darkness. One day, perhaps, I will be saved. Until then, I fight.

I refuse to be broken. Times worry me, and my money problems are far from completely eradicated, but every day brings gains. I will see this fight done, and I will never back down. My confidence grows daily.

Yet, even now, the HR Department does not strike me as a Human Resources venue. Rather, it is a battlefield best left to others.

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